Are you listening? Pt 5 – Listening with your mouth

Equipping, Listening
In the last two postings I have highlighted the place for the ears and the eyes as means of listening. Now I will come to the third, the mouth. Your mouth is also an important part of communication of course, but how can it help you to listen? There are a number of ways your mouth can help you listen but the most important is to know when to keep it shut! Shut up What do you feel about silence? Does it embarrass you? Somehow it makes you feel vulnerable as you either don’t know what to say or because you feel awkward for the other person as they gather their thoughts. The temptation is to fill it with your own talk. This is particularly true of the extrovert who…
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Are you listening? Pt 4 Listening with your eyes

Community Money Advice, Equipping, Listening
Eye contact Last time I referred to kneeling down to get onto eye level with someone who was sitting on the pavement outside a supermarket. Clearly that is an extreme example but the principle of making good eye contact is vital. It has been said that ‘the eye is the window if the soul’ (often, probably wrongly, attributed to Shakespeare) and in that quotation lies a depth of insight. By watching someone’s eyes it is possible to 'hear' much of what is going on in his soul. Reporting on some of the countries I have visited I have, on occasion, said that people’s eyes lacked hope, they were ‘dead’. I don’t know physiologically what I was seeing but I knew it was in contrast to someone’s eyes that sparkle! So…
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Are you listening? Pt 3 Listening with your ears

Equipping, Listening
Context Before continuing this series let me say a word about context. Clearly not all social interaction is the same – sometimes we are just ‘passing the time of day’ together, at others we are in deep discussion looking for a consensus view. Also, there are counselling and negotiating contexts. Each requires different skills which are too specific to open up here. I am merely trying to give some general guidelines that apply in many contexts. So far we have seen that a good listener honours the speaker. We have also touched on some of the hindrances to good listening. Let’s now look at some of the ways in which we can listen. Ears ‘Listen with your ears’? What a stupid statement! How else am I supposed to listen? That’s what…
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Are you listening? Pt 2 Focussed not distracted

Equipping, Listening
Simon Pettit was a good friend because he cared about those he was with; he was not always trying to impose his own agenda. Let’s consider this a bit further. Self absorbed? Have you noticed how, when meeting someone for the first time, they often spend the whole meeting telling you about themselves? They may never ask you one question to learn something about you. They can appear totally self-absorbed and self-centred. They seem to count themselves more significant than others. Or, again, if you are speaking to someone do you ever feel their attention is not really with you? Their eyes may be wandering, looking over your shoulder to see what is going on behind you. Or that fixed, glazed, slightly staring look which tells you their mind is…
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Are you listening? Pt 1 A listening friend

Equipping, Listening, Simon Pettit
Honouring one another Simon Pettit, well known to many in the Newfrontiers family, died in 2005. He was a good friend and there are hundreds who felt the same about him as I did. How could it be that he had such a wide group of genuine, deep friends? I believe it is because of his real love for people and an exceptional ability to focus his attention on you. When you were with him no-one else mattered. He was deeply interested in you, your family and the things that were taking your attention in life. As such he was also a wise advisor or counsellor. In short, he had an exceptional ability to really listen. The grief that followed his death lasted, for me, for many months, and I…
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